So....
God/Life definitely threw curveballs this weekend.
I'm gonna relax and just coast through this week. Still got stuff to handle. But it's about dealing with what you gotta deal with.
I specifically need to play my Call Of Duty 5 and shoot some muthafuckin' heads off.
The Overcompensation Effect
Sup ya'll,
I dunno if it's the lack of sleep finally catching up to me.
I feel vulnerable.
I'm usually calm and collected, but I just feel shattered inside. I feel like there's a lot of pressure on me. The company is what it is and that doesnt phase me. I just feel emotionally drained and tired inside.
I'm usually confident but I just feel lonely and defeated inside. Before you make fun of me being emo and before I go into this self pitying rant, feel me:
Emotionally, I'm hollow. It's times like this I wish I had someone to understand me, but I KNOW I have issues which would be a turn off. I'm always been charismatic, yet lonely and misunderstood.
My godsis says I need a girlfriend....I cant really disagree...it'd be a nice effect to my life but I just need her to be more of an asset than a liability. I try my best not to get stressed out about things and remain level-headed, which in itself is a huge test of character. I'm out ALL time time at ungodly hours working. I rarely party anymore (As I type this, Jadakiss' album release party is being held @ Prime. The fan in me wanted to go but I got shit to handle).
I do this shit because I love it.
I just was thinking that maybe I'm overcompensating for my issues with some of these ventures and shit I get into. The need to succeed drives me. Let the victors triumph.
I dunno if it's the lack of sleep finally catching up to me.
I feel vulnerable.
I'm usually calm and collected, but I just feel shattered inside. I feel like there's a lot of pressure on me. The company is what it is and that doesnt phase me. I just feel emotionally drained and tired inside.
I'm usually confident but I just feel lonely and defeated inside. Before you make fun of me being emo and before I go into this self pitying rant, feel me:
- I tend to overanalyze things. I'd be a great detective.
- I need to reinvent myself. Start playing ball again and hit the gym.
- I'm overdue for a vacation. Atlanta will be fun as will VA (if things go well).
Emotionally, I'm hollow. It's times like this I wish I had someone to understand me, but I KNOW I have issues which would be a turn off. I'm always been charismatic, yet lonely and misunderstood.
My godsis says I need a girlfriend....I cant really disagree...it'd be a nice effect to my life but I just need her to be more of an asset than a liability. I try my best not to get stressed out about things and remain level-headed, which in itself is a huge test of character. I'm out ALL time time at ungodly hours working. I rarely party anymore (As I type this, Jadakiss' album release party is being held @ Prime. The fan in me wanted to go but I got shit to handle).
I do this shit because I love it.
I just was thinking that maybe I'm overcompensating for my issues with some of these ventures and shit I get into. The need to succeed drives me. Let the victors triumph.
"Stop, We Not Committed........."
"A man's love is life, a woman's life is love."
Me, Phil and Martin were just going over our latest experiences with females and we all came to one conclusion: the females we discussed ALL seem to have this obsession with commitment and relationships that's extremely foreign to us.
My mans Phil had an incident today where he basically deaded this chick he wasnt interested in. My son messed up because he 1.) brought her to the crib and 2.) let her meet the family. I've done both in the past and NONE of those chicks ended up being factors. And the one I actually wanted to do that to, I never ended up doing. My family woulda loved her. She knows who she is....
So my son tells shorty she needs to fall back and slow down. Shorty throws a bitch fit and I'm there laughing my ass off. We're headed out and shorty's leaving like 13 text messages and mad voicemails. Shit is pathetic. I'm just dying of laughter. Then I forget that
I dunno if it's me as well or my aura of stability or whatever the fuck it is, but it seems chicks are on some wild shit about kids.
Chick: "OMG I love kids, I feel like I could have one right now"
Me: "Kids arent on my agenda till 5-8 years from now. I'm not gonna bring a mouth to feed when I can't support it"
Chick: "I can always wait you know"
Me:..............................
Then some shit happens and I get fucked for half and child support. I've seen what child support does and I REFUSE to be a mark. That's why marriage and shit like that is no joke to me. It's not a rush. There's only one girl I ever felt that got away....and she's gotten closer than I've imagined or wanted right now.
I just HATE the feeling of being pressured into something. And I KNOW sooner or later, I'm gonna have more to lose. Damn.
Me, Phil and Martin were just going over our latest experiences with females and we all came to one conclusion: the females we discussed ALL seem to have this obsession with commitment and relationships that's extremely foreign to us.
My mans Phil had an incident today where he basically deaded this chick he wasnt interested in. My son messed up because he 1.) brought her to the crib and 2.) let her meet the family. I've done both in the past and NONE of those chicks ended up being factors. And the one I actually wanted to do that to, I never ended up doing. My family woulda loved her. She knows who she is....
So my son tells shorty she needs to fall back and slow down. Shorty throws a bitch fit and I'm there laughing my ass off. We're headed out and shorty's leaving like 13 text messages and mad voicemails. Shit is pathetic. I'm just dying of laughter. Then I forget that
- I have an IMMENSE feat of commitment. It's almost debilitating. A "friend" asked me a while back "When you gonna fall in love". My response was "Right time/right girl.No rush". My female friends give me slack and say I need to open up and get over it and all this idealistic sounding ass shit. I dont honestly wanna miss out on a good thing and be on some "Best Thing" (which is ironically one of the songs I've been bumpin' heavy" shit....but @ the same time, relationships and myself are like money and blood-the shit don't mix
- Growing up in a certain family situation, it sorta traumatizes you. I've NEVER been in love till prolly recently and even now, my lifestyle isnt one particularly conducive to a relationship. Especially when the closest thing to a male role model is not particularly a one woman man..........
- I'm not the type to just lie to a chick and tell her I want a relationship because I want some ass. Never will either . Lying means she wont respect you. And every relationship needs mutual respect to work out.
- I'm realizing that chicks like ambitious young power players with potential. EVERY chick I deal/dealt with always told me that despite my ways, I always had "it". I honestly think that I come off as mature with a plan and shit like that isa turn on to females.
- I'm not gonna give myself to a chick and have her try to put a leash on me. My hustle requires me to be out @ random ass times of the day and night. I like my space and if I wanna be questioned, I'll go to the local FBI office. I get disgusted @ how dudes get locked down to the point of where their chick has to know their whereabouts @ all times.
- It's like I keep meeting the right (or right on first few impressions) type of female @ this stage in my life and I'm just totally not ready for anything. I dont like planning out my "dynamic" with a chick because the shit can/will go wrong. Not to mention I'm a huge control freak
I dunno if it's me as well or my aura of stability or whatever the fuck it is, but it seems chicks are on some wild shit about kids.
Chick: "OMG I love kids, I feel like I could have one right now"
Me: "Kids arent on my agenda till 5-8 years from now. I'm not gonna bring a mouth to feed when I can't support it"
Chick: "I can always wait you know"
Me:..............................
Then some shit happens and I get fucked for half and child support. I've seen what child support does and I REFUSE to be a mark. That's why marriage and shit like that is no joke to me. It's not a rush. There's only one girl I ever felt that got away....and she's gotten closer than I've imagined or wanted right now.
I just HATE the feeling of being pressured into something. And I KNOW sooner or later, I'm gonna have more to lose. Damn.
So...
-Starting promo for some company stuff. It seems like a lotta shit but life is about pacing oneself
-We've come a long way. Made a lotta allies and met some important ppl. It's been a challenge, exhausting, anger inducing and taxing @ times. But on the flipside, i wouldnt trade the freedom and ability to grow/control your fate for shit.
-I need to move out. I'm tired of my moms.
-I tire of this party shit. I have a short attention span so after a while of me doing something for so long, i get bored. That says a lot because I'm the outgoing adventurous type. I'll go anywhere just for the experience. Shit is a bit corny right now to me. Summer might be a bit better tho.
-I'm just saying that the phrase "Life is what you make it" is my motto right now.
-FML
-We've come a long way. Made a lotta allies and met some important ppl. It's been a challenge, exhausting, anger inducing and taxing @ times. But on the flipside, i wouldnt trade the freedom and ability to grow/control your fate for shit.
-I need to move out. I'm tired of my moms.
-I tire of this party shit. I have a short attention span so after a while of me doing something for so long, i get bored. That says a lot because I'm the outgoing adventurous type. I'll go anywhere just for the experience. Shit is a bit corny right now to me. Summer might be a bit better tho.
-I'm just saying that the phrase "Life is what you make it" is my motto right now.
-FML
Me Lately...
-I didnt go out Friday/Saturday night...I felt EXTRA bored. My friend invited me out both days around 10 PM but i aint feel like going out after I was in my crib.
-A LOTTA shit is going to go down. :-D. FINALLY got a venue booked for the next FRSH PULP show...it was a pain in the a$$, but we think it'll be well worth it...this spot Alibi is pretty ill. We've been there to chill before and liked it so....We'll be having it on April 7th so..
-I've been usually (even by my standards) obsessive with minor things. And I wonder why I walk around with aspirins and get headaches extremely easy.
-I WANT SUSHI!!!!!!!
-Beanie Sigel has a solid discography with the zenith being "The B. Coming". The Solution woulda been better if his A&R/he had a better ear for beats. He's better baring his soul than being "Beanie Mack" if you ask me.
-I want to visit the museum with a lady and then get sushi after. I guess it makes sense. Every spring/summer I open up and get friendly!
-I'm on a high right now!
-A LOTTA shit is going to go down. :-D. FINALLY got a venue booked for the next FRSH PULP show...it was a pain in the a$$, but we think it'll be well worth it...this spot Alibi is pretty ill. We've been there to chill before and liked it so....We'll be having it on April 7th so..
-I've been usually (even by my standards) obsessive with minor things. And I wonder why I walk around with aspirins and get headaches extremely easy.
-I WANT SUSHI!!!!!!!
-Beanie Sigel has a solid discography with the zenith being "The B. Coming". The Solution woulda been better if his A&R/he had a better ear for beats. He's better baring his soul than being "Beanie Mack" if you ask me.
-I want to visit the museum with a lady and then get sushi after. I guess it makes sense. Every spring/summer I open up and get friendly!
-I'm on a high right now!
WOW @ this week!!!!
Well...this week has been one of the busiest weeks I've had in a while. I keep meaning to update this bad boy but I've been running around.
Monday was Chrisette Michelle's Listening Party. I was on my feet all night (lol like 3 hours) and I'm mad i didnt get to eat some of the appetizers they had (sushi and teriyaki) or drink anything from the Open Bar . SMFH. My ppls from FRSH PULP covered the event so check it out! I exchanged cards with some ppl. Saw a few celebs but I wasnt really that impressed (Ne-yo's mad short lmao). We headed over to Groove NYC, a live performance venue and had a good time there until...
My homegirl from Def Jam A&R calls me and tells me that a certain artist will be brought into a meeting with Lenny S, a head A&R @ Def Jam and some others. It is an artist who's fairly noticeable on certain scenes in NYC and has been doing some stuff recently to garner press. I've been bugging shorty about coming to shows or hanging out with us and it always turns out that when we hang out @ certain places, we'd meet said artist and chop it up. Cool dude. She said if I'd known son was unsigned, i coulda referred him to her and both our names would been on some important documents because she works directly under the SVP of A&R for the entire Def Jam. As far as I know he was in negotiations and I'd heard that Def Jam already was in the runnings but nothing concrete. I'ma leave said artist unnamed for obvious reasons.
Naturally, I was PISSED as hell because 1.)my name means more exposure for my company, 2.)I do a bit of A&R for my own show by finding new talent, and 3.) that coulda led to something big. I still am a bit upset but w/e
Met a gentleman by the name of Kenny Silk who was performing some renditions with his band. He had good energy and stage presence so I got a chance to chop it up with him after and he referred me to his daughter who's a singer so here's hoping good stuff comes of that.
Wednesday....oh boy...
We hit up Dream's Album Release Party @ the Hiro Ballroom. My dude Steve couldnt come cuz he didnt have proper ID SMH. I gave my bro my old ID and he looks like me so he gets in everywhere. I was about to walk the fuck out because they were charging $40 @ the door and then flipflopping back to $20 and all this shit. I got in for free because I had my Def Jam ID (lmao @ Illionaire hating saying i wouldnt get in with that ID on Twitter. Fuck boy!!!!) but i was enraged because it's the principle. If it's $20 with RSVP, say so in the fucking confirmation email!!!
Crazy part is I'm walking out, cussing like a sailor and everyone's looking @ me like I'm crazy. They wanted to stay so we just paid and got in.
We ended up getting a table and we just bugged out the rest of the night till like 5. I know it's club "procedure" but i cant stand chicks who crowd around ppl who have tables. It's not the first time it's happened to us. We paid for our table now give us our space. I mean to be logical, the place was crowded as hell, but I dont like ppl who dont mind their own business. On the flipside, we were dressed well so I guess it would make sense for them to assume we're upwardly mobile individuals. I just like my space when I go out. I'm approachable as I have nothing to be arrogant about but I just can't stand people trying to be in your face and on your dick in these types of settings. Then when I ignore ppl, I'm the bad guy. but anyway...
I'm glad we all have Caribbean parents who taught us how to dress for these events cuz we ALL looked fly and dapper. Stasia said we looked like something out of the "Roc Boys" video..
Monday was Chrisette Michelle's Listening Party. I was on my feet all night (lol like 3 hours) and I'm mad i didnt get to eat some of the appetizers they had (sushi and teriyaki) or drink anything from the Open Bar . SMFH. My ppls from FRSH PULP covered the event so check it out! I exchanged cards with some ppl. Saw a few celebs but I wasnt really that impressed (Ne-yo's mad short lmao). We headed over to Groove NYC, a live performance venue and had a good time there until...
My homegirl from Def Jam A&R calls me and tells me that a certain artist will be brought into a meeting with Lenny S, a head A&R @ Def Jam and some others. It is an artist who's fairly noticeable on certain scenes in NYC and has been doing some stuff recently to garner press. I've been bugging shorty about coming to shows or hanging out with us and it always turns out that when we hang out @ certain places, we'd meet said artist and chop it up. Cool dude. She said if I'd known son was unsigned, i coulda referred him to her and both our names would been on some important documents because she works directly under the SVP of A&R for the entire Def Jam. As far as I know he was in negotiations and I'd heard that Def Jam already was in the runnings but nothing concrete. I'ma leave said artist unnamed for obvious reasons.
Naturally, I was PISSED as hell because 1.)my name means more exposure for my company, 2.)I do a bit of A&R for my own show by finding new talent, and 3.) that coulda led to something big. I still am a bit upset but w/e
Met a gentleman by the name of Kenny Silk who was performing some renditions with his band. He had good energy and stage presence so I got a chance to chop it up with him after and he referred me to his daughter who's a singer so here's hoping good stuff comes of that.
Wednesday....oh boy...
We hit up Dream's Album Release Party @ the Hiro Ballroom. My dude Steve couldnt come cuz he didnt have proper ID SMH. I gave my bro my old ID and he looks like me so he gets in everywhere. I was about to walk the fuck out because they were charging $40 @ the door and then flipflopping back to $20 and all this shit. I got in for free because I had my Def Jam ID (lmao @ Illionaire hating saying i wouldnt get in with that ID on Twitter. Fuck boy!!!!) but i was enraged because it's the principle. If it's $20 with RSVP, say so in the fucking confirmation email!!!
Crazy part is I'm walking out, cussing like a sailor and everyone's looking @ me like I'm crazy. They wanted to stay so we just paid and got in.
We ended up getting a table and we just bugged out the rest of the night till like 5. I know it's club "procedure" but i cant stand chicks who crowd around ppl who have tables. It's not the first time it's happened to us. We paid for our table now give us our space. I mean to be logical, the place was crowded as hell, but I dont like ppl who dont mind their own business. On the flipside, we were dressed well so I guess it would make sense for them to assume we're upwardly mobile individuals. I just like my space when I go out. I'm approachable as I have nothing to be arrogant about but I just can't stand people trying to be in your face and on your dick in these types of settings. Then when I ignore ppl, I'm the bad guy. but anyway...
I'm glad we all have Caribbean parents who taught us how to dress for these events cuz we ALL looked fly and dapper. Stasia said we looked like something out of the "Roc Boys" video..
Latest Happenings
-I've been feeling a bit "off" lately but I think i've shook it off...
-Averaged 2.5 hours of sleep this weekend. It was a wack weekend but w/e.
-Hit the titty bar up with my dudes the other day (Kahlua where Sean Bell was killed R.I.P.) . To be honest, I didnt see the point. I aint too big on tipping some girl to shake her ass in front of me when I cant even touch her , among other things. It was a hood joint so you already know that baddest joints wasnt really in the main part and were giving lap dances. One of the strippers had an AMAZING body tho. It's amazing how "normal" these chicks look when not on duty...makes you think...
So I'm being standoffish and just nonchalant looking sideways @ the chicks and shit...and lo and behold it caught the attention of this one stripper. BAD body but i SWEAR i saw her in a porn (LOL. I claim that for any chick who looks/acts scandalous)..one of my boys claimed to think the she might have gone to JHS with him so she comes over and asks why I'm standing with my arms crossed. I just said "Long day @ work" and she was just chatting me up. I'm respondin with general answers and shit since I know how the stripper game goes. She was aight just doing her job or w/e. I'm looking 2 her eyes when she came over..LOL she was SCOPING cats fists to see if we had singles in em. She's over here chatting me up WHILE my boys are just about fondling this chick. Her boss comes over cuz she thinks the chick was talking to us too long.
The night was a result of not being able to get into our first option. The gay ass bouncer was hating on us WHEN my boys had gotten into the same spot. And the bitch ass other bouncer (a brotha) wasnt letting us in. Fuckin' jerkoff....
I'm NOT too big on strip clubs but w/e. I usually hit up clubs/lounges and I'm ALWAYS down for a different experience (pause). Cats looked straight thirsty and shit in there....I'm not the type to just fiend for some chick just cuz of her ass/tits...at least not out in the open anyway...
Cool. Just not my cup of tea. Them chicks is straight hustlers and I feel sorry for cats who wife these chicks.
-Apple has changed my life.
-The Dream's CD is FIRE
-Averaged 2.5 hours of sleep this weekend. It was a wack weekend but w/e.
-Hit the titty bar up with my dudes the other day (Kahlua where Sean Bell was killed R.I.P.) . To be honest, I didnt see the point. I aint too big on tipping some girl to shake her ass in front of me when I cant even touch her , among other things. It was a hood joint so you already know that baddest joints wasnt really in the main part and were giving lap dances. One of the strippers had an AMAZING body tho. It's amazing how "normal" these chicks look when not on duty...makes you think...
So I'm being standoffish and just nonchalant looking sideways @ the chicks and shit...and lo and behold it caught the attention of this one stripper. BAD body but i SWEAR i saw her in a porn (LOL. I claim that for any chick who looks/acts scandalous)..one of my boys claimed to think the she might have gone to JHS with him so she comes over and asks why I'm standing with my arms crossed. I just said "Long day @ work" and she was just chatting me up. I'm respondin with general answers and shit since I know how the stripper game goes. She was aight just doing her job or w/e. I'm looking 2 her eyes when she came over..LOL she was SCOPING cats fists to see if we had singles in em. She's over here chatting me up WHILE my boys are just about fondling this chick. Her boss comes over cuz she thinks the chick was talking to us too long.
The night was a result of not being able to get into our first option. The gay ass bouncer was hating on us WHEN my boys had gotten into the same spot. And the bitch ass other bouncer (a brotha) wasnt letting us in. Fuckin' jerkoff....
I'm NOT too big on strip clubs but w/e. I usually hit up clubs/lounges and I'm ALWAYS down for a different experience (pause). Cats looked straight thirsty and shit in there....I'm not the type to just fiend for some chick just cuz of her ass/tits...at least not out in the open anyway...
Cool. Just not my cup of tea. Them chicks is straight hustlers and I feel sorry for cats who wife these chicks.
-Apple has changed my life.
-The Dream's CD is FIRE
