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Currently playing "Lucky Me"..fits my mood now

Well i lately i've been realizing how selfish i am....had a long talk about the issue with my best friend...my son told me some real stuff just had me thinkin about the whole issue....

basically, i feel underappreciated...i've always been the type to operate under the radar and not be out there. it's just that i just feel that if i make time and effort to invest in something i WANT it to be what i WANT it to be. huge control freak and i'm calculating. my boy said truthfully that i'm too controlling/stubborn. i do have a hard time accepting when things dont go my way. also with this IMG situation, i'm kinda bringing that competitive aspect into this situation...i operate better that way...but i just feel like i've been goin outta my way to accommodate a losing situation. I just feel like i' not ready for a situation right now but i made an investment and dont wanna back out. i'm always been bad at accepting defeat...i have to work for everything i get and i just cant accept being a second option or being # 2. i do admit i got a huge selfish meanstreak but overall i mean well. it's like i'm putting myself out there to a certain degree and not getting anywhere..i'ma just have a nice heart to heart with shorty today.

i might need to take another hiatus and clear my mind of all this bullshit. it's like i'm just overreacting to this whole situation. it's like we're both running the game on each other...the whole "I'm busy" routine, etc....it is what is it is. gonna bring this shit to a halt.

def need to expand my options to something other than girls with boyfriends. i honestly think that that's the root of my trust issues with females or at least part of it. i know how some of the girls i've talked to had men and were down for whatever. and it's like me being a person of extremes, it's hard cuz i'm always either black or white. no grey area with me. either i'm goin hard or i aint going @ all. if i'm gonna do something, i'ma do the shit big. it's like part of me is gonna go TOTALLY nuts when i meet new chicks, and the other side is kinda hesitant to make that move. i just woke up on some OTHER shit today like i'ma just bring this shit to what i want it to be. and if it aint my way or we cant compromise, there's no reason for me to even poly like that. i'm thinking with my heart and not my mind. cause my mind told me to just keep it focused on another chick. i KNOW with the way i am..once i meet someone new, this one is done for. it's just the way i am. it's like "We aint talkin, so there's no reason for us to talk @ all"...i have female friends but that's all they strictly are, cuz we established that from jump. she was a friend from before but on some "Hi, bye" type shit....plus with my trust issues, i dont wanna open up too much.

so the iron wall is there.