The Thorn On The Rose

*I was actually gonna make this a video blog but whatever.I actually am being the quintessential lame and bumping a song that continuously reminds me of her-"Best Thing" by Usher feat. Jay-z*

I'm stuck.

I'm the LAST person some of you all know know me personally might expect this from but I'm scared of rejection for once in my life. I've been rejected by females and usually could give a fuck because i could always find another one.(I recently stopped talking to a female I was dating and for the first time in a while I felt extremely disappointed. I didnt make plans for her but it was going well. There was a dealbreaker I dont compromise on and that was the reason I stopped talking to her. I re-learned never to fit a female into a plan, not that I had one for her. The disappointment comes from unrealized expectations. Take things how they come. I digress)

I've been undergoing a situation in the past week or so. It's more of an emotional one which isnt usually my forte..but here goes....

I'm in a position of vulnerability. This is why myself and relationships never mix-because there's always the possibility of being hurt and left out to dry. I like being in control of ALL aspects of my life. Nonchalance defines my relationship stance. I can imagine it being maddening for a female, but to them I say "Sweetheart, show me WHY i should care about you." I've dated around enough to see that there's certain types of females and that all the attempts people (male and female) attempt to make to be different and stand out just make them commonplace. I tend not to get too gung ho about anything because at a split second

• shorty can/will get tired of you and will "need some time to take a break". For you uneducated fellows, those are classic code words for "Leave me alone and gimme my space while I play the field and get validation/dick/attention from someone else. I''ll then run back to you after I'm done/if he dumps me because if you're desperate enough, you'll take me back"
• after seeing my parents' relationships after 25 years, anything can happen. Thanks Mom/Dad
  
• there's always some lame fuck who is in her ear trying to hate on your relationship..Then again it's on your girl to define the extent of their relationship with you. Some guys legitimately do not know what a girl's relationship status is because 1.) they aint do research or 2.) the girl aint tell them (better check her dawg!!!).
  
• you just get tired of people. Familiarity breeds contempt. I'm glad I'm spontaneous and that I work in the industry I do because there's always something "new" (everything's been done before) for me to get into. I dont mix business/relationships at all :-/

No one likes to be @ the whim of someone else. In my life, I've lost grip of the ideal that relationships should be 50/50. However, reality has taught me that someone in a relationship will like the other person more than the other person likes them. The way I'm built, I just keep it in the back of my head that anything/everything can go wrong at any time. I dont look forward to it, but I keep it in mind that it has possibility of going down. Thus it's hard for me to fully trust/commit a female. I'm an extremely dynamic personality. I'm spontaneous and I hate when relationships get into that stale period where you're comfortable sitting on the couch scratching your nuts and she's just plopped down next to you farting and picking her nose. Knowing me, I'd do some shit for the fuck of it.

I just happen to miss the company of a female I was dating for the period of 8 months or so. It was actually unexpected how we got together as a mutual friend hooked us up. Now in retrospect, the Bruce Wayne part of me thinks this was a grand scheme to sorta "mature" me as the mutual friend sorta knew how I was about my dating practices and the types of girls that i was used to dating. You know how females are. Scouting out dudes and shit before they date em. Shit might not work out and you two are good friends, but something happens and she gives you advice making you "suitable" for the next girl. My thing is, I've never had a female "change" me till then. It was an exercise in patience, where I was "fast" and mutual benefit, instead of my usual egocentric POV.

She wasnt perfect at all. Neither was I....far from it. I had my well documented issues. She had hers. The key point being that they didn't outweigh mine LOL. It was therapeutic being with her. I'd go on my infamous rants and she's stand/sit there with her caramel skin absorbing the worst of my verbiage. Her responses were always steady and patient. I would go on...blacking out about how unfair the world is and how I'm too good for all the bullshit that I was going through at whatever particular moment. I remember just blacking out one time and she just gave me "this look" that sorta just mellowed me out. She knew what to say at the right time and I really appreciate that quality in a woman, especially with my dispositions sometimes.

You ever date someone and it's that "pre-relationship" stage? Where you both are extremely attracted to each other, she sees your flaws and you see hers, but it doesnt matter? Where no matter what you have a calmness in your inner being? I experienced that and would do a lot to get that feeling back (i originally typed "damn near anything" then I realized I wouldnt go THAT far LOL!). You know...someone to keep your grounded. The Mary to your Meth...the Foxy to your Jay...the yin to your yang. It's especially intriguing to me because I'm never the desperate type. I'm extremely independent and have shown a capacity to drop a female at the drop of a dime. I dont really give a fuck.

The only thing I hate more than relationships getting stale is the pre-"pre" period is the Waiting Game. You know, where you're getting to know someone. You go to kick it and ya'll dunno whether to count it as a date or ya'll hanging out or just going out as friends. It's EXTREMELY necessary, as no one is gonna logically date someone for an extended period of time without at least having a 50% idea of what they're about from

• "scouting" them. They say college is the last bastion of you having a good shot @ finding a mate as it's a place of consistent face/face communication. I dont date people where I work and I dont go to church so I can see why people would say that.
  
• word of mouth. Especially females....a female has already heard about you before you've even met her. Especially in NYC, where there's like 2-3 degrees of separation. (I think this is why I tend to be introverted. I dont like people in my goddamn business). Them salons man......
  
• Them being a friend

My thing is that....I tend to look at relationships like I look at business. I can only be with people whose assets outweigh their liabilities. In the year that we've gone out separate ways, I've "dated" (it's an interesting term, isn't LOL) about 5-6 females, one of which I've only really felt comfortable with...and not even wholly because she wanted things (ie relationships) I didnt want too soon. Sweet girl. Just too ahead of her time for me, not to mention I didnt know her ass like that LOL. Trial and error. I move fast, maybe too fast. The reason I'll say the # is relatively high for that short time period is that:

• I'm extremely ruthless. People arent perfect and I dont expect them to be, but when I sense an ulterior motive (I have a "vibe" that goes off. I swear to God this only happens to me.) I'm gone. #s/Facebook/Twitters deleted. Me > them if there's some "ulterior motive" involved
  
• When a female says "just friends" (and no FWB indication verbally/nonverbally), I lose interest and subconsciously find reasons not to have anything to do with her. Bad habit. Extremely bad.
  
• No emotional attachment. I usually look at things from a logical "pros/cons" POV. I let em know from jump that trust is earned.
  
• If there's no incentive for me to get with a girl (not even just sex), I'm out
• I'm bored extremely easily. Sue me!!! I like a challenge. Just not too much of a challenge. From a distance, I think a lotta females think I get EVERYone I want. I don't.

A quality of mine that I have to work on is breaking up in a friendly way. Usually, I delete contact with my exes for the fuck of it, with no closure and explanation on my part. I SUCK @ friendly breakups. There's the "dispute" (I dont argue with females, as it's a automatic loss) then me being nonchalant and/or sarcastic enough or saying something for them to hate me for 3 months. It's like I like seeing people leave me just to see how they'll do. There's a small part of me that also likes seeing my exes in worse shape than I left them in. *shakes head and looks down in disappointment*

I dunno what her relationship deal is. I always assume there's a guy somewhere in the background and that's saved me a lotta BS in the past. Experience is the best teacher. I think there is, but fuck it. If a chick doesnt claim a dude as her man, it's all fair game.

I guess the next step would be to tell her and be prepared for anything. Or will I let summer fun and the liberty of having options overrule my desire for something solid?

Time for bullshitting myself has ended.