My mother and I have a "unique" relationship. Sometimes, I swear I'm adopted. She's not a bad mother. I just don't get along with her most of the time.
I look like my pops so it gets even better. I aint gonna get too much into it, but I feel like I get the brunt of her unresolved issues because I remind her of him. He even said it himself that I act exactly like how he did at age 22, down to the doing things my own way and not opening up to people.....
I've always been the more "own way ish" out of the three of us. My sister was literally a genius....she's WAY more introverted than I am. I was always the cerebral yet adventurous one but my 18+ years are marked by me being more self absorbed and nonchalant. My brother is more charismatic and relatable than I am. I'm sort of the evil genius of the group. Always cooking up something, always up to something and just always out and about.
From jump, I've always been different. More extroverted when I was younger. It's more noticeable because I'm probably the most stubborn of us. I take more after my pops physically (dead ringer) and personality wise.
I dunno what it is....I just cant get along with my moms. She doesnt seem to understand me at all. She often used to joke that I was adopted. Now I wouldnt be surprised if I am. Bugging me about the company, not realizing the most small businesses take about 3-4 year years to realize a profit. I just never felt like she ever believed in me. I'm a creature of reaction as is. I just dont have the best relationship with her at all. She seems to think I'm a failure because I'm graduating this September after wrapping up this last summer course. I'm good with her not believing in me, because I'm used to being the underdog. She's always comparing me to other people's children, not realizing that those people's situations are relative to them and our situation is what it is. Would my dad actually doing something more than being a talking Book of Proverbs help out? Yes, but I'd rather not go there. I learned not to count on him for shit.
I dont even know what I want from her. I dont want it to be that she gets sick and I somehow get this epiphany that I shoulda been a better son, but at the same time, I'm extremely able to carry a grudge for a minute and I remember comments/things people say from years back. I dunno....and her side of the family is all female so I hear it the worst from them. Then for the past 7 years, she has a habit of running to our neighbor and they both tell each other their business. I'd rather my privacy and business not being out there. All this over me being one summer course away from graduation.
This is one of the reasons why I'm always out the house or just walking around somewhere for the hell of it.. I really only like coming home to eat,sleep, shit and handle what I gotta handle online. It's another reason why I like turning up my Ipod to full volume and just tuning people out.
Gee, I wish my dad were here to balance this out. It's like I gotta be both a husband and a son sometimes and listen to her rant and rave about stuff that affects her. It's really unfair to me when I think about it. There's stuff a husband should be there for to support his wife through. Some stuff aint meant for a son to be exposed to. Sue me for being apathetic. I said that when we went out the other day as a "family", it felt so artificial. I havent felt so patchmade in my life.
It's like nothing works to calm her but sewing. This is also another reason why I don't go to church. When everything went down, they told her not to get a divorce, so it's like all this stuff was going on with no closure. They didnt mind us moving out, but did they check to see how us 3 were doing emotionally? No! Yet, she goes there every Sunday paying tithes and listening to a preacher amongst the crowd of other single mothers with children who dont attend for whatever reason.
So I guess what they say about your relationship with your mom being a direct indicator of your relationship with women in your life might have some truth. I'm down by a lot then
I know I sound like a selfish asshole but damn.....
Odds & Ends: December 20, 2024
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