...............

I visited my son Ant's mom today....his kids were there...

I broke down.....his son looks JUST like him...his son was pointing to a picture of him and was like "Daddy"...that right there totally fucked me up inside...

Two beautiful kids aint gonna see their dad anymore...My son Ant knew too many ppl and there's mad rumors that I wont get into on here...I just feel defeated and crushed inside...I havent felt like this since my parents separated.....I just lost it..

Me and the crew were supposed to go to Six Flags on Saturday but Ima sit that one out. There's a Black Buttahfly party tomorrow night but I'ma just play the crib. I need to be around some positive energy/beautiful people. Ever since "The Debacle", I feel psychologically scarred and drained of my usual energy. I hate dwelling on stuff but this is just crushing.

I've been needing to go out and just relax but I cant bring myself to.

RIP once again. See you on the other side

R.I.P. Anthony Esperanza

Got news Monday night that my son Spanish Ant got killed. It sounded like a hit to me because it was raining all day. Streets is talking but the cops got the dude who allegedly did it....he's lucky they got him. Shot my dude in the back. Pussy. My son died @ Kings County and left behind two kids....

Been a hard past few weeks for me. I was just getting over the debacle two weeks ago. That psychologically scarred me more than I care to admit lol....then i got the news.

I cant believe it. We used to holla @ girls, pop wheelies on bikes, play ball on a cutout milk crate...slapbox and all that shit......now he's gone. Punk bitch killed my son.

RIP my dude.

The Art of Hustling is DEAD!!!!

Rant Time

Between this week and last week, I'm notice several disturbances in the true hustler continuum.

I dont take it personal. Can't ever say I didn give no one a chance. Still blood @ the end of the day but sometimes business is meant for those outside of immediate circles.

I'm convinced I'm the last of a dying breed. I never had nothing handed to me Always had to bust my ass. I thugged it out through migraines this week. I'm more disappointed but it is what it is.

Started @ Cornerstone on Tuesday. It's a good look. I dont think I'm exactly the 9-5 type...

I'm tired as a fuck. @ least I went up to the BX the other day and saw some fine chicks.

Curveballs

So....

God/Life definitely threw curveballs this weekend.

I'm gonna relax and just coast through this week. Still got stuff to handle. But it's about dealing with what you gotta deal with.

I specifically need to play my Call Of Duty 5 and shoot some muthafuckin' heads off.

The Overcompensation Effect

Sup ya'll,

I dunno if it's the lack of sleep finally catching up to me.

I feel vulnerable.

I'm usually calm and collected, but I just feel shattered inside. I feel like there's a lot of pressure on me. The company is what it is and that doesnt phase me. I just feel emotionally drained and tired inside.

I'm usually confident but I just feel lonely and defeated inside. Before you make fun of me being emo and before I go into this self pitying rant, feel me:

• I tend to overanalyze things. I'd be a great detective.
• I need to reinvent myself. Start playing ball again and hit the gym.
  
• I'm overdue for a vacation. Atlanta will be fun as will VA (if things go well).
  

Things are looking GREAT for the company. I just need to balance myself.

Emotionally, I'm hollow. It's times like this I wish I had someone to understand me, but I KNOW I have issues which would be a turn off. I'm always been charismatic, yet lonely and misunderstood.

My godsis says I need a girlfriend....I cant really disagree...it'd be a nice effect to my life but I just need her to be more of an asset than a liability. I try my best not to get stressed out about things and remain level-headed, which in itself is a huge test of character. I'm out ALL time time at ungodly hours working. I rarely party anymore (As I type this, Jadakiss' album release party is being held @ Prime. The fan in me wanted to go but I got shit to handle).

I do this shit because I love it.

I just was thinking that maybe I'm overcompensating for my issues with some of these ventures and shit I get into. The need to succeed drives me. Let the victors triumph.

"Stop, We Not Committed........."

"A man's love is life, a woman's life is love."

Me, Phil and Martin were just going over our latest experiences with females and we all came to one conclusion: the females we discussed ALL seem to have this obsession with commitment and relationships that's extremely foreign to us.

My mans Phil had an incident today where he basically deaded this chick he wasnt interested in. My son messed up because he 1.) brought her to the crib and 2.) let her meet the family. I've done both in the past and NONE of those chicks ended up being factors. And the one I actually wanted to do that to, I never ended up doing. My family woulda loved her. She knows who she is....

So my son tells shorty she needs to fall back and slow down. Shorty throws a bitch fit and I'm there laughing my ass off. We're headed out and shorty's leaving like 13 text messages and mad voicemails. Shit is pathetic. I'm just dying of laughter. Then I forget that

• I have an IMMENSE feat of commitment. It's almost debilitating. A "friend" asked me a while back "When you gonna fall in love". My response was "Right time/right girl.No rush". My female friends give me slack and say I need to open up and get over it and all this idealistic sounding ass shit. I dont honestly wanna miss out on a good thing and be on some "Best Thing" (which is ironically one of the songs I've been bumpin' heavy" shit....but @ the same time, relationships and myself are like money and blood-the shit don't mix
  
• Growing up in a certain family situation, it sorta traumatizes you. I've NEVER been in love till prolly recently and even now, my lifestyle isnt one particularly conducive to a relationship. Especially when the closest thing to a male role model is not particularly a one woman man..........
  
• I'm not the type to just lie to a chick and tell her I want a relationship because I want some ass. Never will either . Lying means she wont respect you. And every relationship needs mutual respect to work out.
  
• I'm realizing that chicks like ambitious young power players with potential. EVERY chick I deal/dealt with always told me that despite my ways, I always had "it". I honestly think that I come off as mature with a plan and shit like that isa turn on to females.
• I'm not gonna give myself to a chick and have her try to put a leash on me. My hustle requires me to be out @ random ass times of the day and night. I like my space and if I wanna be questioned, I'll go to the local FBI office. I get disgusted @ how dudes get locked down to the point of where their chick has to know their whereabouts @ all times.
  
• It's like I keep meeting the right (or right on first few impressions) type of female @ this stage in my life and I'm just totally not ready for anything. I dont like planning out my "dynamic" with a chick because the shit can/will go wrong. Not to mention I'm a huge control freak
  

I was talking to a female a while back and I sorta got the impression she's ready to settle down and she's giving her list of stuff a dude should have. Reasonable shit like college grad, church goer, work ethic, etc. I wasnt gonna BS shorty so I just kept it funky like I dont meet some of these....I'm also not really looking for a relationship right now but if it happens it happens.

I dunno if it's me as well or my aura of stability or whatever the fuck it is, but it seems chicks are on some wild shit about kids.

Chick: "OMG I love kids, I feel like I could have one right now"
Me: "Kids arent on my agenda till 5-8 years from now. I'm not gonna bring a mouth to feed when I can't support it"
Chick: "I can always wait you know"
Me:..............................

Then some shit happens and I get fucked for half and child support. I've seen what child support does and I REFUSE to be a mark. That's why marriage and shit like that is no joke to me. It's not a rush. There's only one girl I ever felt that got away....and she's gotten closer than I've imagined or wanted right now.

I just HATE the feeling of being pressured into something. And I KNOW sooner or later, I'm gonna have more to lose. Damn.

So...

-Starting promo for some company stuff. It seems like a lotta shit but life is about pacing oneself

-We've come a long way. Made a lotta allies and met some important ppl. It's been a challenge, exhausting, anger inducing and taxing @ times. But on the flipside, i wouldnt trade the freedom and ability to grow/control your fate for shit.

-I need to move out. I'm tired of my moms.

-I tire of this party shit. I have a short attention span so after a while of me doing something for so long, i get bored. That says a lot because I'm the outgoing adventurous type. I'll go anywhere just for the experience. Shit is a bit corny right now to me. Summer might be a bit better tho.

-I'm just saying that the phrase "Life is what you make it" is my motto right now.

-FML