I Came To The Conclusion...

I've just been busy as hell. Stasia's been handling most of the online promo for the FRSH PULP showcase on Tuesday, and I've been handling most of the street aspects of it.

Back @ Def Jam in the radio promotions/marketing departments. They assigned me 4 artists to help market...just like my mans Mike told me. He said it's the best way to make your bones @ a label. Take a small artist and blow em up. One of the acts is a group with a core/cult following.

Barber Shop today: Got my cut (finally) then watched "Diary Of A Tired Black Man"...the flick definitely was something interesting. I'ma cop later this week and give a synopsis. I just have to appreciate the fact that they keep emphasizing that this is "some, not all Black women"..unlike most media which tends to box all us brothas into one box.

I miss one of my exes. I came to realize it. We ended in a somewhat volatile manner; I'm really starting to think/believe I'm manifesting my adult version of my childhood trademark...which is the bring out the best in people when i wanted, and to also bring out the worse in them when we argue. She was a "good girl", total square, homebody, very intelligent and grounded.....I could use someone like that in my corner...BUT

-I'm DEATHLY scared of a serious commitment. I'm still 22 and I feel like I'm too young to be serious
-I'm always "on the scene"..usually for business purposes, but having a girl, it comes down to "Hey baby, I'm lonely."...almost symbiotic...
-My trust issues aint that bad anymore. (1.) I learned not to trust people further than I could throw them. (2.)People are gonna do them regardless, and its foolish to try to control them.
-I wanna "have fun".
-I'm DEATHLY afraid of making a bad dating decision, which in turn could affect the rest of my natural life. I'm paranoid as hell, and I do admit I tend to think the worse about females. Being that I'm doing my thing, I've come across it all from girls claiming "I'm a model" to "I hold my man down" to doing things in hope that I'd reciprocate bigger.

I never got the vibe that Ms. was after anything from me but to just chill, kick it and enjoy each other's company. We weren't committed and it was probably the first time I caught serious feelings for a girl. EVER. Ever since my first, I always sort of had a "Females come and go" mentality. She had her own hustle...which was probably one of my biggest turn-ons in a female. Cooked. Mentally stimulated me. Responded to my sarcastic retorts with her own.

The reason I'm not with her now? I think we both got cold feet about entering a relationship (both obviously had commitment issues). @ the time,I had no other dating options because I was extremely busy and something about her made me feel guilty about talking to other chicks. There was other people in the picture on her side, but I'm the type not to care unless we get committed because that's the game. I could give a damn about other cats. I dont chase chicks because what they do is what they do and the one being chased is in the driver's seat. I'm an extreme control freak and I like things running on MY time. I couldnt help the way I felt about her though.

If anything I learned about liking someone (never been in love), it's that that's the risk/reward of it. You FALL hard for someone and you're open as hell. My boys said they've never seen me open till then. Admittedly, I was. I just felt like shit when it didnt go the direction I wanted it to. You're open and it had the potential to go all the way north or south. It goes north, and ya'll ride it out. It goes south, and you're wondering why the hell it hurts so bad. After that initial hurt, I said "FUCK THAT" to myself. I wouldnt be so open ever again. Definitely had a shell built up....

So, here I am. Wanting a solid partner, but definitely not ready for a committed. relationship. I tell females I date off bat that I'm not relationship material and they think it's a joke....until I do something, then I'm the foul one...

"It aint like I aint tell you from Day One, I aint shit, when it comes to relationships, I aint got the patience..."

I'm looking into the future...I'm realizing that I have more to lose than it seems. I'm extremely tight lipped about what I do IMG wise...I'm strongly considering dating older women who have their own thing going on......

To Be Continued.....