The Anti-Momma's Boy

My mother and I have a "unique" relationship. Sometimes, I swear I'm adopted. She's not a bad mother. I just don't get along with her most of the time.

I look like my pops so it gets even better. I aint gonna get too much into it, but I feel like I get the brunt of her unresolved issues because I remind her of him. He even said it himself that I act exactly like how he did at age 22, down to the doing things my own way and not opening up to people.....

I've always been the more "own way ish" out of the three of us. My sister was literally a genius....she's WAY more introverted than I am. I was always the cerebral yet adventurous one but my 18+ years are marked by me being more self absorbed and nonchalant. My brother is more charismatic and relatable than I am. I'm sort of the evil genius of the group. Always cooking up something, always up to something and just always out and about.

From jump, I've always been different. More extroverted when I was younger. It's more noticeable because I'm probably the most stubborn of us. I take more after my pops physically (dead ringer) and personality wise.

I dunno what it is....I just cant get along with my moms. She doesnt seem to understand me at all. She often used to joke that I was adopted. Now I wouldnt be surprised if I am. Bugging me about the company, not realizing the most small businesses take about 3-4 year years to realize a profit. I just never felt like she ever believed in me. I'm a creature of reaction as is. I just dont have the best relationship with her at all. She seems to think I'm a failure because I'm graduating this September after wrapping up this last summer course. I'm good with her not believing in me, because I'm used to being the underdog. She's always comparing me to other people's children, not realizing that those people's situations are relative to them and our situation is what it is. Would my dad actually doing something more than being a talking Book of Proverbs help out? Yes, but I'd rather not go there. I learned not to count on him for shit.

I dont even know what I want from her. I dont want it to be that she gets sick and I somehow get this epiphany that I shoulda been a better son, but at the same time, I'm extremely able to carry a grudge for a minute and I remember comments/things people say from years back. I dunno....and her side of the family is all female so I hear it the worst from them. Then for the past 7 years, she has a habit of running to our neighbor and they both tell each other their business. I'd rather my privacy and business not being out there. All this over me being one summer course away from graduation.

This is one of the reasons why I'm always out the house or just walking around somewhere for the hell of it.. I really only like coming home to eat,sleep, shit and handle what I gotta handle online. It's another reason why I like turning up my Ipod to full volume and just tuning people out.

Gee, I wish my dad were here to balance this out. It's like I gotta be both a husband and a son sometimes and listen to her rant and rave about stuff that affects her. It's really unfair to me when I think about it. There's stuff a husband should be there for to support his wife through. Some stuff aint meant for a son to be exposed to. Sue me for being apathetic. I said that when we went out the other day as a "family", it felt so artificial. I havent felt so patchmade in my life.

It's like nothing works to calm her but sewing. This is also another reason why I don't go to church. When everything went down, they told her not to get a divorce, so it's like all this stuff was going on with no closure. They didnt mind us moving out, but did they check to see how us 3 were doing emotionally? No! Yet, she goes there every Sunday paying tithes and listening to a preacher amongst the crowd of other single mothers with children who dont attend for whatever reason.

So I guess what they say about your relationship with your mom being a direct indicator of your relationship with women in your life might have some truth. I'm down by a lot then

I know I sound like a selfish asshole but damn.....

They Can't Fuck With Raekwon.....

Seriously.....

This album is 14 years old....to me it's the blueprint for coke rap. Kool G Rap started the Mafioso rap, but IMO Rae (with Ghostface Killah being the co-star) just took that type of rap to new heights. Rae was consistent even down to the marketing plan, in which he sold the album in a purple case to differentiate it from other rap albums. This is akin to dealers selling their product with different color tops for customers to differentiate it from rival products.

Spittin' Wu dialect, 5 Percenter slang and the vision of the inner city struggle from his POV, Rae provides a visual canvas. Like most Wu members rap lyrics, Rae's verses take a few listens for you to actually get what he's saying-if you arent already used to his slang. Nas has the honor of being the only non Wu guest on this album. Ghostface steals the show occasionally but by the end of the album, you're tuned in because it's Raekwon's gruff, disgruntled vocals that draw you in. Instead of saying "We could shoot it out for the bread", Rae says "They got guns, got guns too/What up Son Do? Wanna battle for cash and see who's Sun Tzu"....tell me that shit aint genius!!!!!!!

"Incarcerated Scarfaces" has to be one of the most grimiest tracks to have ever been recorded. The beat just makes you wanna put a hoodie and jeans on and just post up somewhere at 4 A.M. RZA produced this album and provided a sonic backdrop that embodied the NYC hoodie/Timbs thug talk of the era. Arguably, Rae/Ghost started the whole Versace/Silk shirt trend. They address cats who bite styles on the scathing "Shark Niggas" skit, where they talk about how B.I.G. bit off Nas' "Illmatic"album cover and used the concept for "Ready To Die" (subliminally). Now, it may seem funny for them so have been so upset, but this was from the era where cats had to develop their own shit to be nice. Nowadays, it's cool to be a dickrider...

I dunno if Rae heard "Kick In The Door" when B.I.G. said "Fuck that, throw bleach in your eye/Now you Braillin' it" but on "Ice Water" he says "That's life, top it all off, beef with White/Pullin' bleach out, tried to throw it in my eyesight". OB4CL was released in '95. Life After Death was released in '97...........

"Ice Cream" is in a class of its own

All in all, I fux with this album....HEAVY. shoutouts to my cousins Oneill and Marlon for puttin me onto hip hop when i was about 8 years old. They had this album and used to wear fronts and all that.

Standouts: "Knowledge God","Criminology","Incarcerated Scarfaces","Can't It All Be So Simple","Ice Water","Glaciers of Ice","Verbal Intercourse", "Ice Cream","Wu Gambinos"

Tracklist:
1. Striving For Perfection
2. Knuckleheadz feat. Ghostface Killah and U-God
3. Knowledge God feat. Ghostface Killah
4. Criminology feat. Ghostface Killah
5. Incarcerated Scarfaces
6. Rainy Dayz feat. Blue Raspberry
7. Guillotine (Swordz) feat. Inspectah Deck
8. Can It All Be So Simple feat. Ghostface Killah
9. Shark Niggaz (Biters)
10. Ice Water feat. Ghostface Killah and Cappadonna
11. Glaciers of Ice feat. Ghostface Killah and Masta Killa
12. Verbal Intercourse feat. Nas
13. Wisdom Body feat. Ghostface Killah
14. Spot Rusherz feat. Ghostface Killah
15. Ice Cream feat. Method Man, Cappadonna and Ghostface Killah
16. Wu-Gambinos feat. Method Man, Masta Killa, RZA and Ghostface Killah
17. Heaven & Hell feat. Blue Raspberry
18. North Star (Jewels) feat. Poppa Wu and Ol' Dirty Bastard

XXL:"Makin of 'OB4CL'"
http://www.ilxor.com/ILX/ThreadSelectedControllerServlet?boardid=41&threadid=39731

The Source album review
http://pressrewind.files.wordpress.com/2007/06/raekwon_source995.jpg

I Need A Silent Partner....

Just got in from the homie Phil's crib......

No matter what I'm thankful for him and his cousin Vicki's perspectives of me and my "problems"

Their solution: Take some time off and be single and just take it from there.

Despite my sociopathic ways (not liking to be around too many ppl sometimes among other things), I have an innate need to be understood. Being liked/Not liked is cool with me because I can live with people having objective opinions.

My solution: I was @ Wealthy Hostage earlier chilling for a while and I saw Suz's dog Lola. I dunno what breed she was, but now I want a dog now. I can just chill with it and talk to it and not be looked @ funny when i say wild shit and let it run around and shit all over the place.

No seriously, I want a dog.

Bad pic, but w/e.

Pops took us out the other day....for the first time in years him and my moms went out. I felt like I was in a fake family. He didnt wanna take me to where I wanted to go but I was just like whatever so we ended up going out and having a decent time.

I aint even give a fuck where we went...

The real fun is gonna be Sat. @ Dave and Busters. I wanna see the Nugs/Lakers game. I wanted to hit a bar after so we'll just go there and bug out.

Fragile

I'm a firm believer in never letting people see you sweat. Always confident, smiling, charming and endearing...

I'm cracking...It's all a facade. I struggle and it's like no one knows. The little kid who was always misunderstood is back.

It's like everything I was fighting for the past few months+this weird feeling of just being alone is back.

Normally, I was always the type to not give a fuck and just do things my way. I'm used to being a loner and keeping things on the inside as a way of dealing with my own issues. I can live with not being liked by everyone.

Maybe it's the lack of sleep. Maybe its cuz I think I took this incident with my pops a bit too seriously. He called me and apologized with some excuse or w/e but even so I didnt even care enough to tell him how I really felt. Maybe it's because I'm used to not opening up to him when I need him the most. Maybe it's because I've always learned things best on my own and hated when people tried to intrude on my learning process

This is partly why I'm so nonchalant and easygoing about a lot of things. If you dont care about things enough, they dont have any potential to hurt you. From females to life in general, I tend not to care about a lot.

Then seeing my "sister" with her boyfriend makes me wish I had a significant other who could at least understand me and not just be with me because of what she thinks I am. Its funny because the past few females I dated (lets say about 5) I've only felt comfortable around 2 of them.

I just want to get over my issues. Im a mess.

Low Expectations....

I'm in my crib on the day after my B-Day bumpin' "Blackout II".

My pops was supposed to take me out for my b-day...it was totally his suggestion. Duke called me yesterday talking about it so I was like ok cool.

I was out all day so I got home and called him as he said and he said he'd be here in a little while. This was @ 7 PM or so....I'm here @ 11:24...I took a nap and shit and I'm still here.

I dont expect much from people. I went out to the big homie Ebonne's party and Mandy and her friend Francesca came through. I broke my No Drinking rule and bought a bottle and just enjoyed the night

I just wish people wouldnt make promises and not come through. At least call me and bullshit me about how a hooker took your $ and you got a rancid syringe in your ass and that you wont be able to make it. I didnt ask for this. YOU suggested it. I'm sitting here with flashbacks of me from 13-18....

I'm like THIS allergic to attention, hence me not having a big party or anything. Everyone wanted one for me but I'm good. I just wanted to chill with some friends. I'm gonna just invite ppl out to Juniors and whoever comes comes. Fuck it.

Big Day

I'm 23.

I wasnt supposed to be here. Heart problems in the womb. I got past it.

I'm here now!!!!

*plays "Glory" from Confessions of Fire!!!*

For the most part it's just another day. I dunno what I'ma be doing but w/e.

I just want some jerk chicken, cheesecake and Fresca. Simple man to please.

Why I'm Single......

So...I just went through a couple of situations this weekend that made me REALLY think about why I'm single. I aint gonna get too much into some of them but they range from conversations with my boys to certain female's reactions to things I've said to them.

I'm often hit with this question: "K, you're doing a lot with your life. Why are you still single?".....

-I cant/won't lie to a female just for some ass. I was talking with my boys and one of my boys was talking about how he tells chicks anything that they wanna hear just so he could have sex with them. I told him I dont do that because 1.) said chick wont respect you when it's revealed you're a liar and 2.) I can't tell a chick I "love" her. I havent said that word to a female in like 5 years.....

-I have my well documented commitment issues. I aint gonna get into it because most of ya'll are prolly familiar but I suck @ commitment and relationships. My longest relationship was about 8 months. I just have the trait of needed constant excitement and thrills and stimulation in all aspects of my life. I also hate being in one place for too long. :-/

-I'm DEATHLY paranoid about my sexual health, often to the point of me being too direct about it.....I just had an incident where I'm just learning that my paranoia can be a blessing. Fact: when I meet a chick, and something's wrong, I ALWAYS get a weird feeling and stop talking to the chick. It then comes out somehow that shorty was a smut or got burnt or something along those lines. I just had an incident where I just realized I couldnt exactly trust a chick I was talking to
because i wanted to get tested with her and this chick was basically frontin'. I took it for what it was. Granted, I'm not the most patient individual when it comes to those matters but w/e. People were like I overreacted cuz its a touchy subject. Ummm, last time I checked, we were all adults and sex is an adult activity. Adults are also responsible enough to be upfront and honest. It's only a touchy subject if you got something to hide. Like chicks always complain guys just want sex, but when we try to be responsible about it, it's another problem cuz of "trust".

So I went to get tested today.. I'm good and it wasnt as nerve wracking as I thought it was gonna be.

All in all, I just want to be understood. I was watching a video where this guy was saying how women always try to make men seem like their intentions are bad simply because they dont line up with theirs. Extremely true.

I just like my space. I SUCK @ relationships. :-/