"It aint like I aint tell you from Day One/I aint shit when it comes to relationships, I don't have the patience"-Jay-z
The cat's out the bag…….
This entry was inspired by something I read Friday. I was with some company and we eventually started talking about our signs. I'm a Taurus, so when the ladies found that out, I got a sorta "ennhhh" reaction (in addition to being a Jamaican young man :-/) We ended up reading this natal chart that broke down your signs and all this. Here's some of what mine read concerning the opposite sex:
"Your need for friendship/intellectual stimulus from your partner equals/surpasses your need for love. Your need to rove may hurt those who get involved with you. This high state of energy ends quickly and boredom sets in. Your need for freedom makes a traditional relationship feel oppressive."
I denied all of this with a slick grin. It's a horoscope; all of that is coincidental-or is it? I don't like my life being dictated to me...but that was too on point....
I was thinking about this today as I reflected on the females I’ve dated in ‘09: I get bored EXTREMELY fast and can't/won't commit for SHIT. I've always been like that. Its like "Ok, I like you, you like me, we kick it. What else is there?" My friends always tell me that maybe its the females I'm meeting that only intrigue me on a superficial level. Whatever the case, I need to be mentally stimulated, even if it is short term. I’d like to think my standards are fine: in school/college graduate (preferred) or working, witty, attractive to me, not up in the face of every dude she meets, and at least remotely intelligent with good convo. But why the constant intrigue and curiosity for what else is out there?
Out of respect for people's time, Im upfront and honest. But here’s MY deal: I admit to you all that I’m a commitment-phobe. There. It’s off my chest. Whatever female I date from here on out can read this and use it as evidence. Fine. It got so “hot”…that I went on a lunch date with a female I’d been digging for a while (who didnt know me beyond pleasantries) and out of the light convo we had, she said “You seem like you get bored with situations fast…you don’t have a girl, do you?”
Its like:
• I date around. I like female company. I like picking the female psychology apart with conversation. The way they think is so different from us males. It’s intriguing. I've been told I have a personality that brings people to open up to me. From the females I've dated telling me that and just the way people relate to me on a day to day level, I can say it's true. I’ve also been told I’m an enigma..and that is always charismatic to people on a “get to know you” stage. Plus, dating in NYC is a numbers game. You have to sift out the trash from the treasure. I do think it’s more extreme for females than for males, but still and all, the days of just finding that person on one try seem to be over with. Besides, you’ll know what to look for when/if you wanna settle down. May be a bad excuse, but it’s true. In my opinion of course.
• I haven't even hit my "prime" yet. There's money to be made, people to meet,. I get a lotta flack for it, but I mean...as you explore the world and your options, you reserve the right to be a bit choosy and selective,
right? I went to England last year and met some nice females who were cool as shit. I come back to NYC and was just like "Man, this shit is wack over here." Literally. It was like a black mood followed me. So it’s like if you have the world at your disposal, why not just use it for what it is and see what the future holds?
• I mean....at least I'm
honest right? That has to count for something. Other guys would tell a chick anything for some ass. I can't (end self righteous rant). No harm, no foul. That way, we're in the clear. No gun to her (their) heads. No one forcing anyone to do anything. No lying. Its the mature approach.
• The knock on me: I’ve been told I make minimal effort, whatever that means. It’s like “I like you, you like me. I’m NOT chasing you”. I’ve never been one to hound women to like me. It’s like either you’re with it or not. No harm, no foul. If you don’t like me, you reserve the right to talk to the next man. Cool. But at the same time, I don’t feel like hounding a girl to kick it with me and if you see me with another girl, read the signs. If we're not committed, I dont owe you anything unless you ask something like "I like you but would like to know if you're seeing anyone else." I’m more of the “Lets do dinner on Friday night @ 7 PM at _____..oh you can’t make it? Fine, we can always reschedule”. W/e they do is their business. I’ll prolly be out anyway or some shit.
They say you are who you date. Well this year’s been interesting. I’m the “fool me once type”; between that and the fact that I know a TON of females, I get a lotta bullshit. Just talked about it ith a friend of mine who knows me well and she said I seem like the “married to my work” type anyway. I've been told that people "like this" date at their own convenience and schedule. No comment.
I figured the the root of it all probably in September and this is probably as personal as I’ll get. This is why I fight for my own identity: I REALLY struggle with letting my parents failed marriage define me and the types of women I date or allow into my life. Beyond what I can put into words. It’s really a pathetic, pitiful state of mind to be in, especially for someone as mentally resilient as myself. I saw how my mom reacted. I just wish she’d had something outside of the marriage besides church. I saw the efforts my pops made, but to no avail. So it’s like “Why commit and take the risk of having someone you love and spend some much time, money and emotions on leave you?” On my life…I feel like I’ve achieved a lot, but that’s gonna be one major thing that haunts me till I get over it. Then there’s the process of loving someone who meets your standards despite their flaws and being at the point where you’ll do anything for them. With me, I've only been in one situation when I've liked a girl, the shit didnt work out and I felt like it was my loss. The other times, it was more like "Ok, we're done talking, I'll go my way and you go to yours." A week later, we'd both be talking to someone new or I'd be bugging out at some party of another or locked up working on my laptop on something. So those outlets cushion any emotional pain from a potential loss. Not only that, but I dont even think my best days are here, so it's like "Fuck it, there'll be more anyway". I've had that mentality since college. In fact, my boys used to make fun of me and say that my catchphrase was "There's more where that came from". I'm proactive if I feel that I can do better...the problem is that thinking dominates my mind 99.9% of the time.
Here's to better women and more growth in 2010. Knowing my luck, something big's right around the corner. Lord willing, we'll see what the future holds. Thanks for reading.
The LeftoverUnmixedtape was more of a compilation of old Elzhi tracks featuring featured and unreleased works. The production ranged from Black Milk to Jake One to Moss and provided a great sonic backdrop for Elz to paint his vivd pictures on. The tape literally dropped last week so you can get it 
Deeper Than Rap was an interesting album. Despite the conflict with Fif. Despite the pictures and denials. Despite the baby mama smuttery. Ross put together a surprisingly cohesive album. If anything, the man’s imagination deserves a lot of credit. “
