"Striving For Perfection"

*Cue violins*

There's a saying that till 25 you're judged by potential. After 25, you're judged by what you do with that potential. 

As a young black man, I'm petrified of failure. Like I piss my pants thinking about it. I'm 23, a college graduate (Baruch FTW), lifestyle marketer and stand up guy (when I'm not being grouchy). I've always had in my mind the way I wanted to do things in my life (money, house, down ass chick, family taken care of). I wasnt even supposed to be born. I apparently had a heart problem when I was in the womb, so people always told me I'd be someone special for me to have survived through that. My name is Karsten, which means "blessed one" in Greek. I shrug all of that off but deep down, I know I'm here for something other than money, cash and hoes. 

Stasia (business partner/"sister") told me that I need to be mentally and spiritually prepared for success and the path to such. My problem is that I'm so used to doing everything myself. I've lived with just my moms and brother/sister since the age of 13, so it's like I always had an "old man" mentality during my formative years to adulthood. Even before that, I was a quick learner and I worked best when operating by myself. I worked my way through college and even now, I have my hand in multiple pots. I dont really have regrets but I do wonder what it woulda been like to have had an outlet for those bad times....I used to write poetry a lot, but I'm thinking stuff like art or even athletics. I was always more inclined to books and such though......Recently, I've been wanting to go to shooting ranges to let off a couple of shots....

Admittedly, I haven't prayed in quite a while or read my Bible. I dont wanna go though some dramatic life changing event for me to start praying to God or something. I have my vices.....so it's like I dont wanna keep doing the same stuff over then praying to God/going to church on Sunday then end up doing the same thing every week.....I think if you're gonna go with God, you should go all the way and do whatever you can in your power to go all the way. You're human and will slip up but if it's a conscious choice, you shouldnt slip up. I just dont see how people can claim to be religious and still drink, smoke and fornicate like the rest of us they try to preach to. I cant reconcile that at all. 

I also tend to see the worst in people instead of the good in them. I definitely have to change that.  I trained my mind not to be shocked whenever something out of pocket goes down because people (including myself) have a great potential for good as well as bad. Its like when its work related, I like finding solutions, but when it's personal, I tend just have a nonchalant reaction to a lotta things. If you dont care about something, it has no way of affecting you should it be taken away. 

What can I do?

I just want it all to work out. It will. It always does. I'm good at figuring things out. If not, I'll make the most of what I can get.